Times like these one has to be particularly careful to bite his or her tongue to not inadvertently offend the masses, compliments of political correctness. As one navigates life's more impossible moments, it's easy to slip into the mind trap of slamming occupations, gender, race, culture, sexual orientation, religion, and age. Here are the 10 Things You Shouldn't Say But Wish You Could:
1. Silence is golden. It's a shame you're not mute.
People talk. And talk. And drone on and on mindlessly holding us captive to whatever a conversation is about. Feigning interest, we participate while our minds churn with whatever is more prevalent. Wouldn't it be nice if people had a mute button?
2. Women may be sluts but men are undoubtedly pigs.
A quick scan of human evolution proves that women are inherently prone to acquiesce to the advances of playboys, smooth talkers, and rogues while claiming innocence. The blame falls entirely on both genders. A man's attraction to beauty in their swine pursuit of hedonistic pleasure is only lapped up by a woman's desire to be loved.
3. Go back to your wife (or husband), you philandering whore.
Some 85% of the human population fools around at some point or another in any given relationship. It doesn't really matter who is cheating who, as the story goes, because sooner or later it's the cheater who takes the blame. And endless fall into the trap of philandering. Just remember cheap lovers make expensive wives and if you're going to step out, be a man about it. Be discreet.
4. Your kid belongs in a cage. Or at least on a leash.
Anyone who has been trapped on a plane, in a grocery store, or at a doctor's office in the company of demanding, loud, and bratty little people knows precisely how nice it would be if kids weren't allowed in public until they were big enough to behave. Who hasn't witnessed the two year old clambering for their exhausted parents' attention while throwing a tantrum over whatever seems important to the kid at the time? Throw the kid back in it's cage and feed it breadcrumbs and water until it can stop acting like a haranguing monkey. Please. For the sake of sanity's silence.
5. N*gger rigging.
The "N" word is base and vulgarly offensive and is a term nearly abolished during the mid 1960s. Many public figures have been criticized for using the "n word: but when one stomps on the politically correct fence, the phrase conveys a deeper meaning beyond the initial offensiveness. Nothing adequately describes the dismay one feels when faced with poor quality, inferior craftsmanship or incompetence, slovenliness, and blatant ignorance in terms of safety, health, and beauty. For goodness' sakes, everyone needs to do their best.
6. You'd be such a better person if you were sober.
The unpleasant state between alcoholic beverages otherwise known as "sober" is a difficult state to maintain in the presence of booze. How many people have you met in the course of a good night out that left you wondering why the falling down, sloppy person chooses to imbibe liquor in such excessive ways? Wouldn't it be great if we could nominate people for rehab in the same ways we nominate political figures?
7. If you were an animal, I'd put you to sleep to end your misery.
In the course of one day, we generally encounter at least one entirely miserable person who rains on the proverbial parade for everyone. You know, that grumpy old troll who does nothing but cast clouds and gloom over every potentially happy, sunshiny moment that everyone but them feels? Why feed into their crap? Put them out of your misery and either avoid them like the plague or hold a pillow over their face the next time you catch them asleep.
8. It's not me, it's entirely, without the shadow of a doubt, you.
Anyone who has been dumped has heard the "It's not you, it's me" phrase. Chances are it's not you though, it's them. When we increase our own value, we have the power to change the world (or at least our perspective during the most devastating of circumstances). So figuratively speaking, screw the people who claim the problem is them. Throw off blame. You're as perfect as perfect will ever be. Don't doubt it.
9. Dude, your breath smells like you've been [insert sex act with elderly persons.]
Ever get stuck kissing someone who smells beyond absolute comprehension? Would you want to know what made him or her smell as terrible as they do? Chances are you don't. Albeit, in the moment, it's rude and largely inappropriate to declare precisely what you thought Mr. Dragon Breath ate for lunch. But secretly, in a passive aggressive sort of way, it would be great to call him on it.
10. F*ck you very much (and then some)!
Imagine a world where the magical "f bomb" could be used as frequently as many other words to express precisely the depths of emotion. As the F-word can logically replace any word in any sentence, wouldn't it be great to tell that hot chick you just gained intimate carnal knowledge of "F*ck you very much" rather than exchanging social pleasantries? Additionally, as the F-word can be used as a verb, adverb, adjective, command, interjection, and noun, its versatility and function could encompass common phrases. Replacing "thank you," "please," and "I love you," with a simple "f*ck you very much" could expand entirely new vistas into uncharted conversational and social territories.