View random article

13 of the Craziest Crackpot Internet Sites

The internet is the great playing field leveler. On the internet, no one knows you're a dog, right? But it turns out that we have a pretty good idea if you're a paranoid schizophrenic with persecution complex — because that's what your website tells us about you. These 13 people are all crackpots of the highest order, and their websites are wonderful conglomerations of horrible design, unintelligible ranting, and just general weirdness.

13. Yvette’s Bridal Formal

Yvette’s Bridal Formal isn’t like the rest of the entries on this list. She doesn’t claim to be the antichrist, she doesn’t think physics is fundamentally wrong, or that the Government is eating her dreams. Well, she doesn’t say so on her website, anyway. What she has is one of the most godawful hideous and weird websites in existence. It’s so bad that GeoCities in 1995 wouldn’t have allowed it. It’s so crazily out of control and chaotic, it'll melt your brain. There’s shitty MIDI music, pictures that look like they were taken with a 15 year old webcam, and underneath it all the proud line: designs by DudeOtep~*

12. Joe Nahhas

Joe doesn’t really have much of a website, but his incredible dissection of the world of physics is hosted on Scribd, and he does pop up briefly on Science Doubts. I’ll let him explain his ideas:
“I am Joe Nahhas discovered at age 15 in summer of 1973 that all of physics for past 350 years is mathematically solved in event time or lab time and later these same events will look different if measured in real time and will have different values and what we see later in real time will not be what started. By 1977 at age 19 I found how to solve all of physics in real time and have new physics formulas by the hundreds derived from old physics formulas. These new physics formulas match measurements with unprecedented accuracy to re-write physics and the history of physics because it says 85% of all published physics is based on wrong data and when data corrected it would tell a different world of physics better than anything said or published in the past 350 years.”

11. Fables of Adjacent Reality

I’m not really sure what to make of FoAR. It looks like someone loaded a shotgun with brightly colored words, and went to town on the website. The clip art overlays text that is arbitrarily flung in all directions, offering us such tidbits as “just lose baby” and “It’s against Their definition”. Links nest upon links nest upon links as everything feeds back into itself as he rails against God, churches, school and everything else around him (often illegibly and unintelligibly). I’m particularly fond of “God is a quitter” and “God is ADHD”. It’s all topped off by a single phrase on the first page, which really captures the madness perfectly: “Site map(sorta)”

10. Haig Report

Russell G H Mathews is australian, a semi-permanent student, and uses his website to rage against everything for pages and pages and pages. I’m impressed at the linearity of it, at least. Rather than assaulting you in a scatter of weird topics, they’re all laid out vertically, and he finds time to attack: Oxford university, feminism, the police, University of Queensland, lawyers, mayors, fascists, liberals, the RPSCA, and against his skull deformation which may explain an awful lot. Apparently his sleep apnea was misdiagnosed as schizophrenia. Yeah...I think the doctors probably got that one right on the first try.

9. Local Group

Compared to everything we’ve seen on this list so far, Local Group seems positively normal. Well designed minimalist site, no immediate craziness, just your typical internet forum with some articles on the front end. Then you start reading, and realise that this is pure, grade A batshit craziness, but at least with something vaguely resembling acceptable web design. Page after page of novel length discussion of immortality virii, how to make millions, what the Illuminati really are. Pure whackadoodle.

8. Quantonics

Despite not having been updated in a couple of years, Quantonics appears to still be being maintained, and still just as batshit as ever. From what I can understand (which is admittedly very little, because I still retain the majority of my senses), quantonics is a new form of economics that is based on quantum...something something...holograms...Keynesian is evil...destroy the fed...Oh hell, I don’t know. Something about the nature of reality and economics, and complete uncertainty. I think someone just heard of the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle, and thought it applied to everything.

7. Mad Cow Tourist Info

Sometimes, it’s nice to see the crazies stick to just one or two colors. Large black text on a white background? That’s legible! Score one for the crazy lady who thinks government agents infected her with mad cow disease! That’s right, this lady has written hundreds of pages about how she visited England, and her asthma inhaler was somehow infected with BSE. She cured herself with herbs, and then went out trying to track down what happened. Reading the story (which has been going for 13 years) is like a paranoid thriller movie. Everyone’s in on it, and they’re all out to get her. I kinda wish it were all true, because it would be such a wonderful story, the psychic healer lady fighting against the power of the pharmaceutical evils. Oh, and apparently Prince William is trying to seduce her.

6. David Icke

Icke is one of the grand high poobah’s of crazy. You can judge how crazy another human being is by how many Ickes they are. Do they believe that a secret cabal of lizard people rule the world? That’s one Icke. Police corruption is rampant is like a milli-Icke, and flat earthers are a couple of Ickes. Things only get weirder after him. Apparently he used to be a pretty normal sports presenter before a psychic told him he was there to cure the world, and then he went off the deep end. He’s written 18 books on his beliefs, but it all comes down to one thing: the ruling class of the world are the reptilians. Perhaps what’s most impressive is that he’s managed to synthesize just about every other conspiracy in existence into the framework of the reptilians.

5. Revised History

Deeply, deeply anti-Semitic, Revised History claims that the entire accepted history about the very existence of the middle ages is in fact false and a fake. He thinks everything was run by an evil Israeli empire (at least I think that’s what he says, I’m not very proficient in crazy). Let’s just ignore the rampant abuse of Jewish people during the time periods he’s discussing, and keep running with his ideas. He also thinks that the very concept of chronology and time are wrong, and that historical dates are factually incorrect. It has something to do with Egyptian horoscopes. Here’s what it boils down to, though “There is a multitude of evidence of the fact that all "ancient" manuscripts are literary works of the 15th - 16th centuries and that there never was in reality any "ancient" Rome and Greece as historical science teaches us.” Yeah, crazy!

4. Sumerian God’s Bible

The Sumerian God’s Bible isn’t a website, but instead a google doc that got shared around a bunch of social media sites. It’s not that bonkers compared to some others, only 17 pages of weird, end of world stuff. Apparently the only true god is the Sumerian god, and the world’s about to end! “Sumerian God has come on Nov. 11th 2007 announcing everyone here on Earth should LEAVE this Universe immediately pickup by FLYING DISC from their Gene Ancestors. Because of Moral Decay!” Wait, I get a flying disc? Sign me up! Who the hell is my gene ancestor? This bundles up quite nicely with some insane racism, as apparently the following people have the DEVIL Gene!!!: Viking(Mongolian), World Indigenous, African, Catholic, Egyptian, Buddha, Hindu, Indo-Chinese, Trinity, Indo-Europeans, Polish, Italian, Irish, Indian, Sydney, Muslim, Mars, Korean Indigenous, Japanese Indigenous, Frued. Freud? Sydney? Mars? The fuck?

3. Lady Gaga is an Illuminati Puppet

Look, there are plenty of legitimate complaints you can level against Lady Gaga. She’s intentionally derivative, she can’t actually dance, her lyrics are remarkably shallow for one who claims to be deep, everything she does is just David Bowie mixed with Madonna. I’ll give you all those points. But calling her an agent of the Illuminati? I think you give her way too much credit. Apparently the Illuminati symbolism in her works is “so blatant that one might wonder if it’s all a sick joke.” It all ties in to MKULTRA, butterflies, all seeing eyes, devils, lightning bolts, and more.

2. Anti Xritos

Researching this article, I think I managed to gain a pretty good ability to figure out at least the vague idea of what people were bitching about with their crazy-ass schizophrenic conspiracy pages, but this one? It still bewilders me more than I can say. There’s numerology, something to do with how cherubs are painted, asian lady’s faces, that Jesus should be Christov not Christ, and then baphomet...and transgender...judaism...yin yang? Wisconsin? Allah? I’m so fucking confused, I have no idea what’s going on here. Plus, it’s hosted on Angelfire, so it’s got to be good, right?

1. Time Cube

Time Cube was like everyone’s first introduction to internet crazy, and maintains the number one spot because of just how bonkers and wonderful it is.
“When the Sun shines upon Earth, 2 – major Time points are created on opposite sides of Earth – known as Midday and Midnight. Where the 2 major Time forces join, synergy creates 2 new minor Time points we recognize as Sunup and Sundown.
The 4-equidistant Time points can be considered as Time Square imprinted upon the circle of Earth. In a single rotation of the Earth sphere, each Time corner point rotates through the other 3-corner Time points, thus creating 16 corners, 96 hours and 4-simultaneous 24 hour Days within a single rotation of Earth – equated to a Higher Order of Life Time Cube.”

Yeah, what he said. Gene Ray has talked at MIT about his ideas, and offered $10,000 to any scientist who can disprove them. How odd that none have even tried, huh? My favorite part of the saga? Ray has previously written books about marbles, and some might say that he’s now lost them.

Featured in Technology