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30 Great Jon Stewart Quotes (With Bonus)


Jon Stewart is an American actor, comedian, political satirist, writer, media critic, and television host of Comedy Central's The Daily Show. Stewart has gained fame and acclaim for his political stance and criticism of American media networks including CNN, FOX News, and MSNBC. Stewart has been heavily criticized for his antics from behind his "fake news" desk, to which Stewart agrees. Stewart has found tremendous support from fans and was dubbed "the modern day Edward R. Murrow" for addressing the Senate's December 2010 attempts to block the bill to provide health benefits for 9/11 First Responders.

Stewart has proclaimed his journalistic tendencies as mere "entertainment," but his efforts to provide humorous and accurate information for fans (and critics) has earned him many awards and a huge following. Here are the Best Jon Stewart Quotes:

1. "Ahh, Earth Day, the only day of the year where being able to hacky-sack will get you laid."

2. "Here's the point - you're looking at affirmative action, and you're looking at marijuana. You legalize marijuana, no need for quotas, because really, who's gonna wanna work?"

3. "I can be in 20 movies. But I'll never be an actor."

4. "I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land."

5. "I heard Dennis Kucinich say in a debate, 'When I'm president...' and I just wanted to stop him and say, 'Dude.' "

6. "I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character."

7. "I'm not just a boy toy. I have feelings and dreams like anybody else."

8. "I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over."

9. "I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food."

10. "I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days."

11. "If the events of September 11, 2001, have proven anything, it's that the terrorists can attack us, but they can't take away what makes us American - our freedom, our liberty, our civil rights. No, only Attorney General John Ashcroft can do that."

12. "If you watch the news and don't like it, then this is your counter program to the news."

13. "Insomnia is my greatest inspiration."

14. "Many of our soldiers are stationed at Camp Coyote just south of the Iraqi border. This is how you know we have a strong army, when you can actually tell your enemy exactly where your camp is and what its name is."

15. "McVeigh's lawyer got him the death penalty, which, quite frankly, I could have done."

16. "More than 150 heads of state attended the UN Summit, giving New Yorkers a chance to get in touch with prejudices they didn't even know they had."

17. "President Bush remained undeterred by the massive display of American opposition, even though much of it came from the hundreds of thousands of voters who supported him by voting for Nader."

18. "The seven marvels that best represent man's achievements over the last 2,000 years will be determined by Internet vote...so look for Howard Stern's Private Parts to come in No. 1."

19. "The Supreme Court ruled that disabled golfer Casey Martin has a legal right to ride in a golf cart between shots at PGA Tour events. Man, the next thing you know, they're going to have some guy carry his clubs around for him."

20. "There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy's heart stops, and you're the one who has to fix it!"

21. "There is no such thing as an impartial jury because there are no impartial people. there are people that argue on the web for hours about who their favorite character on 'Friends' is."

22. "We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for our pretext of invading Iraq. There's just one problem - it's in North Korea."

23. "Yesterday, the president met with a group he calls the coalition of the willing. Or, as the rest of the world calls them, Britain and Spain."

24. "You just have to keep trying to do good work, and hope that it leads to more good work. I want to look back on my career and be proud of the work, and be proud that I tried everything. Yes, I want to look back and know that I was terrible at a variety of things."

25. "Dick Cheney and Karl Rove, once two of the most powerful men in this country, are now suffering from Balzheimer's disease. Why didn't I see it before? Balzheimer's is a terrible illness that attacks the memory and gives its victims the balls to attack others for things they themselves made a career of. There is no known cure."

26. "The press can hold its magnifying glass up to our problems and illuminate problems heretofore unseen, or it can use its magnifying glass to light ants on fire, and then perhaps host a week of shows on the sudden, unexpected dangerous-flaming-ant epidemic. If we amplify everything, we hear nothing."

27. "More than 150 heads of state attended the UN Summit, giving New Yorkers a chance to get in touch with prejudices they didn't even know they had."

28. "Several weeks ago, South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford disappeared without explanation for five days. Now of course, as it turns out, he didn't really disappear. It turns out he was hiking on the Appalachian Trail. Which is a trail that starts in Maine and ends in an Argentine woman's vagina."

29. "You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn't that long ago that we were swept away by the Macarena."

30. "They said I wasn't being funny. And I said to them, 'I know that, but tomorrow I will go back to being funny, and your show will still blow.'"

Bonus: From The Daily Show With John Stewart Presents Earth (The Book): A Visitor's Guide To The Human Race
"We could overcome the baser aspects of our nature...and give this planet the kind of caretakers it deserves."

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