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How Most Women Want Sex to Happen

Most women prefer for sex to "just happen" as opposed to being planned out - let's explore why.

Simplified, human beings make decisions in two basic ways. Either through rational consideration and assent or through feeling-based motivation that leads to action. These two forms of decision making are located at different places in the brain and often compete with each other.

Feeling based decision making is more primitive and rooted deeper in our evolutionary history. It is a type of decision making system that we share with many animals. Feeling based decision making operates on a gradient scale of intensity, with the gradient scale split into two sides (positive/negative). Humans tend to express the perception of good/bad feelings in terms of temperature: a hot/cold gradient.

Feelings, in contrast to thoughts, do not contain their reasons. We are not intuitively aware of why we feel certain ways under certain conditions. Most scientists believe that feelings are evolutionary adaptations for navigating the world without the high-energy demands of rational thought. Feelings allow us to operate on so-called "auto-pilot" which is the state that most animals operate in 100% of the time.

Rational thought may be unique to humans, and if not, is certainly very rare in the animal kingdom. Rational thought is logic based and motivates us to act simply by the force of logic and principle. Some have suggested that we can reduce rational consideration to feeling based decision making because the force of logic makes us "feel" a certain way. This is true, although it doesn't explain the fact that we can identify persuasive yet fallacious argumentation.

So, let's get back to the topic of this article. Most studies and anecdotal evidence suggest that women are far more likely to have sex when they don't have to think about it or "decide" to do it at a rational level, than when they do have to think about it and make a rational decision. In other words, women prefer to feel their way into sex, rather than think their way into sex. The same cannot be said of men (who think about sex quite often), and this is largely due to biological differences in the genders and the way human sexual dynamics have evolved.

In a previous article, we discussed psychological projection between the genders. Men are prone to make the mistake of assuming that women want to choose to have sex with their rational minds. However, this is not true of most women, as the very act of thinking about sex rationally often leads to a "cold" feeling about it.

Women prefer sex most when it just feels like the right thing to do. And often, if they do spend very much time thinking about whether it's the right thing to do, they will find reasons not to do it.

From a man's perspective, if sex is his primary objective, the goal is to bypass the woman's fore-brain (where rational thought takes place) and keep the hind-brain "lit up" with positive feelings. When a woman feels good, she is far more likely to just let sex happen. When a woman is considering sex in the fore-brain, this process almost inevitably will "ice" the hind-brain.

This natural biological dynamic creates tension in the modern, politically correct, gender neutral world. Notions of overall consent become problematic when there are two loci of consent: the fore-brain (reason) and the hind-brain (feeling). Many times a woman will consent with her hind-brain in the evening, and feel regret in her fore-brain the next morning. One obvious moral question that arises: should it be the man's responsibility to know this difference and to only receive consent via the fore-brain even when the thing he wants (sex) is far less likely to happen if he waits for rational consent?

Before ending this article, it is worth making one additional point. In the human species, like in many other species, women are the gatekeepers of sex. In other words, there'd be a lot more sex if it was up to men. A fascinating fact to consider is that most sex happens in the evening, and a lot of sex happens when women are somewhat intoxicated by alcohol. In the evening, the resource intensive fore-brain begins to shut down, leaving the animal hind-brain more control over action. It is therefore not coincidental that this is when most sex ends up happening. Alcohol has the same effect: it dampens the control of the human fore-brain and frees up the more primitive hind-brain to make decisions about action. Again, it is not surprising that a lot of sex happens when the alcohol creates the sort of context in which women prefer to have sex (when it feels right).

Finally, a controversial question worth asking is this: given the prevalence of date rape accusations, how much of the date rape phenomenon is related to the distinctions made in this article (where sex is regretted by the fore-brain in the morning after the hind-brain took control the previous evening).

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